Emotions are such a crazy thing.
I'm writing this as I get ready to head out the door to work, and then skate again this afternoon, like I've been doing every day this week(yeahhhhhhh that's what I do with my Christmas break:-)
And I'm not going to go into details about what's going on in my life, b/c you can read that if you want in the post called "thoughts."
I guess my problem is I'm not dealing with stuff well lately.
Namely grief.......
I thought someone I love very dearly was going to die on Christmas Day.
I freaked out. Christmas Day was close to a week ago and she's still alive.
Why do I do this? Why do I freak out and stress and worry so much when God's clearly got it all under control?? Why must I be such a control freak? (Why am I even writing this post at all......)
I just hate it sometimes!!! I want everything my way, on my time, with my terms, when I know that the person I love is going to Heaven and since she's in so much pain, maybe its better sooner than later for her.
I mean, if I really loved her, wouldn't I be that much more willing to give her up and let her go Home where she belongs, pain-free?
Haha
I only wish emotions worked that way.
Instead I'm getting depressed, sad, I don't want to eat, I just want to discover the cure for cancer or....or something.
This isn't right.
But this is how I feel right now.
And why did I even write this post?
I guess because I feel desperate.
I don't want her to die.
But I know she's going to.
Ok then, I don't want her to die in 2015. Too many people that were close to me have died in 2014.
But she's going to die in 2015.
And its going to be awful for me, but I hope with all my heart that she enjoys it.
And I know she will.
I guess I'll just stop talking now.........
You're not a control freak, Olivia. It's completely natural to want to be with the ones you love, and completely natural to be cautious and even afraid of change, especially such drastic change. This is why the Bible tells us "Perfect peace, that passes all understanding" is given to us from God. Peace with the hard things in life is not natural, and only through God can we gain peace. That isn't to say you're doing something wrong if you don't have absolute perfect peace with your situation. We do grieve when loved ones suffer or are going to die, we would not be human if we didn't. God will give you peace, just continue to ask Him for it, and to draw closer to Him. He can bring you through this with peace and love, and if you ask Him, He WILL.
ReplyDeleteI know this is VERY easy for me to say. I've never lost someone very close to me, but I do know the Bible promises peace in hard times for those who ask for it. I know I would find it extremely hard if anyone I loved was going to die. Even someone not so closely related as your lovely Grandmother/Neighbour.
I'll be praying for you! I love you!
Ruth
Thank you Ruth:-) I love you and appreciate the prayers:-)
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