Thoughts

(WARNING; if you don't want to read some rather long rant-y post, then move along::)


I'm a thinker.  Let me paraphrase that.
  I don't mean I'm one of those philosophical thinkers who actually think with their brains.
I mull over things, think about them until I drive myself crazy, and worry.
Like my sister says, "when a situation comes up, I always find a way to worry"

I found out on Tuesday evening that my adopted grandma, who has been a major part of my life since I was seven, has only a few months left to live. She was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year, went through extensive chemotherapy, and by the end of the summer had killed the cancer. The doctors said.
She went back to the doctors last week, and the cancer had come back, and there was nothing they could do.
This is one of the hardest things that has ever happened to me. MUCH harder than when one of the counselors that I worked with at summer camp was killed in a motorcycle accident August 2d.
 But I'm learning.
 I don't want you to get the wrong idea from this blog post.
I am not begging for sympathy, nor do I need or want pity. I simply want/need to let some of my thoughts spill out and if this bothers you, then you are reading the wrong blog <3
NOW, with that said.......
I am learning not to underestimate pain. There are days when you think everything is fine, you (almost) forget about the ache, and its all good and THEN something triggers it and the dam just breaks.
 For example, I was listening to the Christian radio last night, when the radio host people started talking this little 4 year old girl who was dying from cancer and I just lost it. I mean, fall down on the floor and sob for long minutes.
But I'm learning......life is so short. And special. And wonderful. I can't imagine a world without my wonderful adopted grandma, but I do know that she has a home, friends and a Father God waiting for her in Heaven.
And when all else fails, I hold on to that, and to Jesus Christ.
One day, it seems like forever away now, I will see her again in Heaven, where she will be pain-free and glorified in her new body. That makes me sooo happy. I have thought over this until my head hurts. How this is her last Thanksgiving. How Christmas will be her last Christmas. How she won't be able to come to my high school graduation, my wedding, meet my kids someday far-off, etc, etc.
I've also thought of all the possible times she might pass, while I'm at choir, while I'm at church, skating, etc, anything and anytime when I'm not around to say goodbye.

I've covered it all, believe me.
But here's something that I heard on the radio today(not sure if it really relates, but it gave me peace);
when life starts getting you down, when you are a thinker, like me, who over-thinks and over-worries EVERYTHING, just stop the thoughts, stop the rush and say thank you Jesus. Thank You Jesus. Thank You. Thank You. Over and over again.

There is ALWAYS something to thank him for. So when I am in my darkest hour, when it hurts so bad that I just don't even comprehend, I am going to call on Jesus and thank Him.
Not thank Him for the pain, but thank Him that this pain can, and will, refine me, if I let Him have it and this entire situation.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't pretend to have it all figured out. I have no idea why this is happening. I wish, hope and pray for a miracle. I don't want to have to say goodbye to her. But if it is her time, and if Jesus is ready for her to come home, then of course I don't grudge her that. I want all the best for her, and Heaven is far beyond my imagination of "the best".
So what am I going to do with the time that I have left with her?? I'm going to go over to her house and spend as much time as I can with her. Bake her muffins. Bring her hot soups. Write her long letters. Tell her how much I love her.
I will see her again, but until that day, I need to give my thoughts up to the Lord.
I need to stop worrying, stop over-thinking, and realize that when God closes one door, He opens another. Its going to be hard. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me(Philippians 4:13).
Would ya'll mind praying for her?? That she will be pain-free through her final months??
I appreciate all of you guys, so SO much! Ya'll mean the world to me:-)
Cheers:-)

~We're just strangers here, so its all right if you can't stop the tears, that you cry, cause someday we'll touch the face of our God and the sorrow will disappear~